The following post is extracted from a blog. I have zero intention to take any credits but merely just wanna share this meaningful entry with everyone of you who is reading this now.

24th September 2009 in fact.

Right after the collapse of the 2nd domino that is.

My mind structure collapsed.
Mind you its not like the collapse of the Twin Towers
My mind is like the trailer of 2012.
Everything I believed in
Everything I held dear
Everything that made me sane
Collapsed.
The very ground
whom I thought to be stable and impenetrable
The very citadels of thought
They very walls of the secret courts of my heart
The towers of my perception
Pulverised
The power of a call by HIV.
I was informed of my choices by my MO. Even he was shaken by the results. He kept telling me there must be a mistake somewhere. He told me the required infomation that must be told. I felt the lines of professionalism around me.

The irony
Undergoing counselling

What the hell?!
I went mentally berserk at that thought itself.
Everyone thought I was turning suicidal.
What is your worst nightmare?

Over the next few days.
I told a select group of people.
From my closest friends
My collegues
My former mentors
My dates (before they ran off that is.. I don’t place any blame on them really)
My next test will double confirm if I am indeed HIV positive
Its not a question of me hoping I don’t have it
Its not a question of me given a 2nd chance in Life.
Its a wake up call.
If I have it.
Guess it’s time to rebuild
For all my plans from the day I hold independent thought
To my current age of 23
is gone.
My Life is shattered beyond belief.
But I’m practical.
Shattered it may be.
I care not.
Time to move.
I shall not stay and whine.
Don’t give me the look nor the accusation of questions such as
“Have you been wearing protection?”
“Have you had casual sex?”
Look deep in your heart.
Its not about how MANY people I slept with.
Its about WHO I slept with.
I am not blaming
I am not pointing
I finally understood why this circle is termed “High Risk”
When was your last ONS?
Did you cruise?
Did you meet up random people?
Care not from where
Chatrooms
Clubs
Saunas
Did you EVEN sleep with your date?
I may look straight to this circle
and I honestly have not slept around nor been having rampant sex
I know several of my friends who do
Who make nymphos look like Virgin Nuns
Its not a question of Why Me?
I gave up asking God Why am I Gay?
So you think I will ask God Why me?

Funny
To know certain things
one must pay a price
My price for enlightenment?
The very collapse of everything I ever knew.
Now.
Its how.
Not how I got it.
Its how to rebuild
My Life needs to be reevaluated.
I haven’t cried yet.
As I write this.
I’m smiling
and holding back supressed tears.

Think guys.
These are my thoughts.
And as I sit here and wait.
As the clock goes tick tock
I know as sure as hell
what some of us are doing.
God blessed everyone of us.
I am certain God blessed me.
And If this is what he has planned next for me.
Thank you for seriously.
I ain’t arguing.

And smile I will still.

*that was written when my first ELISA test was positive.